Masochists and Lazy Bones

My longest job has been working in a restaurant. I have left once just to come back a year later, tried to leave shortly after that, juggled a Monday-Friday 9-5 while serving on the weekends, and now I’m back to being a full-time server. Almost a fifth of my life has been devoted to this shit. People like me are the epitome of masochists.

In my area of the country, serving jobs are mainly taken by college students. That’s how I got involved. The schedule is flexible, you make a good amount of money in a few, very short shifts, and no one in college likes waking up before 9am. I never had any desire to serve people food, but if I could make what my entire paycheck was at Circuit City on one Friday night in a restaurant, then sign me up. The only problem with working with a bunch of college kids is that I feel old. I am only 24 years old, and I feel old. Of course there are people I work with that are older than me (however, this number is dwindling), but it’s not rare for me to be the oldest person on the floor at least a few days a week.

The restaurant industry spoils people. Yes, I said it. It’s not as hard of a job as the 20 year olds make it out to be. I am making more money serving 5 shifts in 35 hours a week than I was making working Monday through Friday at 40 hours a week. My commute is significantly shorter, I can sleep in even on days when I have to open the restaurant, and there are always extra shifts I could easily pick-up. And what do I have to do for this? I have to pretend to be nice to people, and act like I give a shit how their food tastes. This is easy. And the server sidework is a joke. There are homeless people that would probably do all the nightly sidework in the entire restaurant for one tenth of what I probably made that night. And yet, everyone still complains. Every job has its own little form of bitch-work, it just so happens that the majority of work in a restaurant seems monotonous.

When you are in college, your only priorities are getting hammered drunk and making sure you pass your classes. All I hear about is “I can’t work tonight, I have so much homework to do!” or “I am so hungover, I can’t work today!” These people are fucking morons. And coincidentally, these are the people that get their dream jobs a week after graduation. When I was in college, I turned in everything on time, studied constantly, maintained a 3.6 GPA, worked full-time and still made time to act like a dumbass with my friends. And now I’m approaching my 4th year of serving. Fair?

When I had all of my “big girl” jobs, I was usually the youngest person working there. If these children I work with think they will be able to handle working at 9am every day after getting plastered the night before, then they are dumber than they look. It takes weeks upon months of schedule adjustment before you can even find the energy to stay out after 10pm on a work night. And if you come in hungover and bitch about it like you did when you were 20, then you’ll be fired. Grown up jobs are just waiting for you to fuck up because there are 100 other people hoping to take your place.

Beating myself up every day about being a failure is pointless. I have a profitable job, and I am lucky that they keep taking me back after I’ve left and tried to leave again. I’ve had dozens of other jobs since graduating 2 years ago, and all of them weren’t for me. The only way I would have figured this out is to have done what I’ve been doing. As long as you have a reasonable goal while serving tables (not like “OMG I wanna be an ~actress~) then there is no harm in settling for right now. I have gotten lots of jobs because of my waitressing experience. The goal now is to not just take anything that is offered to me just because it’s not waitressing. I’m saving as much money as humanly possible and moving out west next year. There’s no way I’d be able to save as much working in an office as I could save working in a restaurant. And that it the ultimate benefit.



Giuliana and Bill Make Me Sappy

I hate reality television. I admit, I was into it for a little while, but soon the appeal of watching drunk college kids deal with their white people problems and the Duggars shooting for baby #85 wore off. I would rather watch reruns of edited-for-tv episodes of Sex and the City than subject myself to anything Kim Kardashian’s ass has to say.

With this being said, I am baffled by my obsession with Giuliana and Bill Rancic. Giuliana is the host of E! News (which I don’t even watch) and she met her husband, Bill, when she interviewed him for something he did that must have been relevant at the time or whatever. Now they have their own reality show that I am obsessed with.

I love them. I love them individually, and I love them together. I don’t know these people, I will probably never meet these people, and I don’t even really get why they are famous. They are adorable. They are the perfect husband and wife. They live in California and in Chicago. They travel back and forth to see each other during their busy schedules.

Me being an aspiring journalist, I am not suppose to support famous media-people like Giuliana. She is mostly seen as just a pretty face with a nice speaking voice that markets herself as a journalist. I don’t care. I want her job. I want to talk as eloquently as her, I want her hair, and I want all of her clothes. I want to hang out at the Grammy’s with Kelly Osbourne and ask people who I don’t care about what they are wearing. I want to stand next to Ryan Seacrest on a daily basis and make him feel short.

And Bill. I am still not entirely sure what his exact job is, but he travels to Haiti a lot to help the locals. He also does nice things for his mom, sister and Giuliana when it isn’t even their birthdays. He does nice things just to do nice things. Giuliana had breast cancer and still looks like a supermodel. These people are superhuman and I support everything they do. Their baby is going to be the best baby ever. If they decide to do a Season 98 of ‘Giuliana and Bill’ I will watch it. I’ll probably record it. I’ll probably even watch it when it’s repeated.

This is the lamest thing I have ever admitted on the internet, but I won’t deny it in real life. Giuliana + Bill 4 Lyf.

Billy Corgan Has Other Hobbies Besides Being a Bitter Old 90s Grunge Reject

Billy Corgan was interviewed at SXSW and admitted that he wasn’t surprised that Lana del Rey crashed and burned on SNL (like anyone was) and that the music industry has been taken over by posers.

From “Corgan, who claimed that he would need to set himself on fire on YouTube if he was starting his career today and also compared being a breakthrough artist to being a “fresh stripper”, added: “[Artists that break through now] have grown up thinking that being famous is the goal. Not to be respected – not to be dangerous.”

While Corgan may be right with comparing new artists to young, moneymaking skankbots, the last paragraph on the NME article makes me wish he really would set himself on fire and put it on youtube.

“Corgan is set to have a busy 2012 – in addition to releasing the new Smashing Pumpkins album ‘Oceania’, which he has described as his “best album for 16 years”, he also has plans to open a Chicago teahouse and continue work with his own professional wrestling company.”

Professional wrestling company. I thought opening a tea house was random, but then I read professional wrestling company. There is even a website for this, meaning it’s legit. The wrestlers all over this website look like the people I try to sit a mile away from whenever I am dragged to Friendly Confines. I don’t even care that the Pumpkins will have a new album coming out, for this is as much Billy Corgan news that I can stand for this year.

So if you are lucky enough to live in Chicago, you can attend a Billy Corgan founded wrestling event and then head over to Mellon Chamomile and the Infinite Herbals or whatever it will be called to chat about how the downfall of the 90s have severely affected the mental stability of the majority of veteran rockers and what this means for the people who actually would give a shit if they were starting their careers today.

I will now included a brainstormed list of tea house/tea drink name ideas for Corgan. You’re welcome.

– T.E.A

– Daydream Detox

– Fuck You (An Ode to Coffee)

– In The Arms of Sleepytime

– Rain Drops + Sun Showers (no alteration needed here…)

– Zero…Calories

– Jelly Belly Jasmine

– The Everlasting Earl Grey

– Drown in Darjeeling

Garbage Appreciation Post


Garbage has been my favorite band since I was 14. Shirley Manson helped me get through high school and she is entirely to blame for why I decide to dye my hair red every 6 months, and that shit does not come out easily. Besides an obsession with the Spice Girls (which is completely understandable and was most definitely age appropriate) I have never been one to be obsessed with ~celebrities~ but Shirley Manson is a fucking Goddess and I will worship her until I die. For Christ’s sakes, she is in her mid 40’s and she looks younger than me. How can you not find her absolutely irresistible? And Butch Vig is in Garbage and he had a major role in the success of Nirvana and the Smashing Pumpkins. Everything about this band is magical and I love them and will support anything they do for the rest of my life. Their new album comes out in May, and I am actually going to go to a store and purchase it. With money. Crazy, no?!?